He Would Have Wanted it this Way

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Comics are Not Funny

I noticed today that comics in the paper are very not funny. I decided to make them funny. Here are my first attempts.

Children Hate Shrimps!

My friend Kelly once told me an interesting item of interest. I must admit, I can't remember everything she said about this item because either she, or I, was drunk. Therefore, she wasn't making a lot of sense. But I do remember parts of her yarn, and this is what I remember:
There is a Shrimp Robot that is real. He is--as his name implies--a robot that creates shrimp. I guess you could argue that he is a robot made of shrimp, but that's really stupid for you to think about.
Anyway, this shrimp robot lives in one of the volcanoes that are on the surface of the Earth. Sometimes, if young boys have been particularly naughty, or if those same boys refuse to quit listening to their EyePod-Machines with huge headphones, the shrimp robot will appear!
His primary weapon? Shrimp Attack 2.0! It's a powerful and delicious weapon that scares many people away from his volcano house.
All of these things Kelly maybe told me. I couldn't believe her story at the time, and still find it really boring.
Also the volcano spews out shrimp sauce.

One of the greatest mysteries I've ever thought about concerns the nature of the animal seen above. I took this picture with a camera during a recent trip into the wilderness close to where I live. It clearly shows some kind of cat-sized wilderness lion, hiding behind a large forest tree. Most shocking about this lion is what it is doing in the picture. Because I could not investigate further at the time--the lion, obviously full of magical powers, created a large bee to chase me away--I can draw only two competing conclusions based upon the evidence at hand: 1) The lion lays, hatches, then raises a litter of corndog babies (what function these corndog babies have in the ecosystem must remain another of life's zaniest mysteries). Or! 2) The lion poops whole corndogs. It seems to me impossible to say with any certainty which of these two options is the closest to the truth. Due to the magical nature of this elusive wilderness lion, all I can be sure of is that the wilderness lion is in fact magically elusive. If you, dear reader or lurker, have any information to share about this topic, please do. All of the world's greatest scientists are interesed in the things you have to say. Don't blow it.

Manchurian Corndogs are the Choicest!

As a baby growing up in Manchuria, I was blessed with many and varied opportunities. Chief among these was a job, from a very young age, working as a corndog taster in a Manchurian corndog factory. Manchuria is world renowned for its delicious and cheap corndogs, many of which are made from real meat items! The corndog factory I worked in, The Manchurian Corndog Concern (MCC), was consistently rated A++ in corndog deliciousness by the National Corndog Federation of Manchuria (NCFM). I like to think that this high rating was because of my vigilance in ensuring that only the choicest corndogs made it out of the factory and into the mouths of people eating corndogs.
When I finally made it to the great United State, I thought it would be a lark to fulfill one of my childhood dreams: being in a Rock band! It was very important to me that I was part of a band that was extremely good at doing Rock. Through many trials and tribulations, I managed to become a member of a band that was just as concerned with doing the Rock as I was. We did a few tours, and became very popular with very attractive people, but then, because of so many factors that were factored in, the band had to break up. My heart was heavy because of the band breaking up. Also it was heavy because of all the heart cancer I had.
One day I saw an atomic explosion. Ouch! That's hot!

The Oldest Beer and Other Facts.

One time I went to Check-of-the-Slovakia. It's in Europe. Or it was...Now it's two countries. One is called Check-of-the-Republic, and the other is known as Poland. Anyway, they have this beer that's really old called Pilsner Urkel. They claim it's one of the oldest beers ever, but I find that hard to believe because I remember seeing Urkel on teevee, and I'm not very old at all. They stick to their dubious claims, so I suspect one of two things is happening: 1) The Check-of-the-Slovakias are full of it (and by "it" I mean "crap!") or 2) Urkel is some type of very old person; possibly a vampire or a hobbit. Either way, the beer was pretty good, and I left their backwards country feeling like I had really learned something pretty neat. And you know what? I did! I did learn something neat!